How much should parents help? Prompting versus doing the task

Help is not one setting

It helps to think of assistance as a set of levels rather than an on/off switch. In order, from most to least: doing it with them, guiding step by step, prompting, standing by, and self-directed.

Nobody sits at one level across their whole life. Someone can be self-directed with a familiar coffee order and need step-by-step guidance in a new medical appointment on the same afternoon. That is normal, not inconsistent.

The question that works better than "how much"

Instead of asking how much help to give, ask: which part of this task am I currently doing that they could do with a smaller level of help?

It is usually one part, not the whole task. Not the whole shopping trip - the paying. Not the whole appointment - the phone call to move it.

Signals you are doing more than the task needs

• You start the task before they have had a chance to.
• You answer questions that were asked to them.
• You correct in the middle rather than after.
• You do it because the wait is uncomfortable, not because they could not.
• The task always happens the same way, which is your way.

Signals you have stepped back too fast

• They avoid the task rather than attempt it.
• The result is consistently unsafe rather than imperfect.
• Their confidence is dropping, not building.
• They have asked for more help and it has not changed anything.

A fortnight-sized experiment

1. Choose one routine that happens most days.
2. Write down what they already do themselves.
3. Choose one part where you will drop one level of help - guidance becomes a prompt, a prompt becomes standing by.
4. Keep everything else the same for two weeks.
5. Ask them how it felt. Their answer decides whether it stays.

Less support is not the goal by default. The goal is the right level for this person, this task, today - which sometimes means more.